


King of the Castle, King of the World

by ElricLawliet



Series: Baby AUs [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: AU typical violence, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fake AH Crew, accidental double kidnapping, all geoff wanted was to be a crime lord he never asked for this fatherhood bullshit, baby au, suspicious parental activity, terrible people who are good parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 10:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5245748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElricLawliet/pseuds/ElricLawliet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geoff and Jack are two up and coming crime lords with the skills and the connections to get them exactly where they want to be--at the top of the Los Santos underground's food chain. They've got big dreams, big plans, and...big hearts.</p><p>Which might just be their undoing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	King of the Castle, King of the World

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I wanted to get the next chapter of Victorian Babies up but like that wasn't happening and the more I tried to force it the worse it came so I'm putting this up now
> 
> Look I stand by the cake metaphor
> 
> So chapter one, part one of the fake AH Baby AU inspired by SOMEONE THAT'S NOT SOMEONEUDONTKNOW5 HAHA I KNEW ITD HAPPEN ONE DAY
> 
> tho she did do [this cool art](http://someoneudontknow5.tumblr.com/post/131439261123/xaquaangelx-no-but-imagine-the-rt-baby-au) for it when i showed her
> 
> ANYWAY
> 
> Fake AH Crew babies. I'm excited to write it. I always have fun with material that has the potential to have for more angst than the OP likely originally conceived. :D
> 
> On that note let me tell you that this one isn't going to be quite as light hearted as the first two AH babies stories. Don't worry, there's still shenanigans abundant in store because dorks are still dorks, but dorks are also notorious criminals who do notorious criminal things. Like theft and murder. Not planning to make the violence too terrible graphic in this though. Still a baby AU.
> 
> And without further ado!! Chapter one of Fake AH babies~

Geoff tapped his fingers on his pockets idly, keeping his fingers busy to keep from messing with the wire pressing uncomfortably against his skin from behind the undershirt, trapped there by the bullet-proof vest.

“Calm down,” a slightly staticky voice hissed in his ear. “Look too nervous and they'll start to suspect you. Don't worry, I've got eyes through all the cameras—I can see you and anyone else who might pose a problem. Once you and Jack get the money I'll wipe the recordings clean and you guys will be off. Seriously, Geoff—you came up with this plan, the least you could do is have faith in it.”

If Geoff had felt confident that he wouldn't be heard, he would have politely informed Griffon that it wasn't the plan so much as the people attempting to pull it off that he was worried about. As it was, the bank was crowded and rather loud—a fact actually important for the success of the heist considering Geoff wouldn't be properly hiding his face until the plan went into full effect—but this was the first big gig Geoff and Jack were attempting practically on their own and he wasn't keen on taking any unnecessary risks, no matter how small they may be.

Geoff felt like his senses were kicking into overdrive from the nerves. Every movement had him on edge, and it was only years of doing things like this (though he'd never headed them, that was the kicker) keeping him from blowing their cover. The line moved, and his teller greeted the woman in front of him boredly. A couple walked in behind the small crowd. Some guy to the back sneezed. At the till to his left, a man set a heavy-looking bag down at his feet and started to make a withdrawal.

“Emergency exit planted; Jack in position,” Griffon informed him. “The lady in front of you is finishing up. Waiting for your signal, boss.”

Geoff casually unzipped the backpack on his shoulder.

The lady in front of him started to move out of the way, and the bank's front doors exploded.

In two seconds a full-face black mask was over Geoff's face and there was an M16 in his hand. Screams filled the air as Geoff fired a burst into the ceiling, before silencing suddenly as the message came across.

“Nobody moves and nobody dies,” he said calmly, coldly. “Just here to make a quick withdrawal, shouldn't take too long, provided nobody does anything stupid. I'm going to need all employees lined up in front of the stalls, right now, hands above your heads, no dawdling—oh no, not you.”

He grinned behind the mask as Jack tossed him a bag, striding up to the petrified teller he'd stopped, frozen where he'd started to walk around his till. He pointed the barrel right at him.

“No need to fear, friendo. You just start unloading that safe where I can see you, and do try to keep any twitchy fingers you may have away from the button on the right side.”

He tossed the kid the bag and took another from the ground at the feet of Jack, who was standing with his back to him, an Uzi in each hand pointed out at the crowd and the over the top grinning Santa mask on his face probably giving any children present (and probably some adults) nightmare fuel for years to come.

The boy handed Geoff the now-full bag and he tossed him another, dropping the loaded one at his feet and not moving his gun from where it was trained between his eyes.

“Chop chop, kid. There's a lot of people in line you know, they gotta be getting impatient.”

The teller whimpered, fumbling the bag a bit as he hastened to shovel money in at a pace that pleased the man pointing a machine gun at his head. No one seemed tempted to move, and it almost seemed like the whole thing was going to go perfectly smoothly.

Then, halfway through the kid filling up the third bag, sirens blared down the street.

“Mother _fucker_ , who called the cops?!” Geoff snarled, yanking the bag out of the now-crying teller's hands. “I'm going to fucking—god _dammit!”_

“Throw a fit later!” Jack snapped. “We gotta get out of here now!”

Geoff growled, grabbing two bags and hoisting them over his shoulder as he yelled into the mic.

“G-2, blow!”

He felt Jack yank him further from the wall by the arm as a massive chunk of the right wall went up in a blast of brick and smoke. The sirens outside were even more audible now, and the entire bank was screaming. Geoff thought he felt someone try to tug on his leg, but it took no effort and he barely noticed when his leg pulled free as he and his partner bolted for the new door. One cop recovered faster than one would expect from a bomb blast—probably a Los Santos veteran—but he didn't have time to do more than begin to raise his gun before a sniper bullet from somewhere to the east of them had him back on the ground.

“Fucking book it!” Geoff shrieked, unleashing a burst of gunfire into the cop cars in their path.

He and Jack slid over the smoking hood of one as the cops dove out of the way, Jack twisting halfway back to shoot off a few more to discourage them from immediately giving chase. One block down and around an alley and Geoff had good as shoved Jack into the driver's seat of a nondescript grey car, and they were pulling around the corner and out of sight just as the flash of police lights and the blare of sirens was filling the next two streets.

“Follow traffic laws,” Geoff hissed as they yanked their masks off and stowed them under the seats. “Don't speed! No front flips for style!”

“Stop _panicking,_ Geoff, we're good!” Jack snapped. “Your expression is the most suspicious thing about us!”

“Don't tell me what to do! I'm the boss I'll panic if I _want!”_

“Guys,” Griffon sighed over their coms. “You're in the clear. The cops are locking down the freeways and Power Street, and a couple of the smaller roads around the bank. You'll have to take a detour down Strawberry, but to be honest I think they've almost given up.”

Jack grinned. “See? I told you it was flawless.”

“Well I wouldn't say that. The cops got called, which shouldn't have happened if you had everyone as controlled as Geoff said you were going for. Find out who did it?”

“No,” Geoff grumbled. “Which means the prick's still alive. Think you could find out who it was?”

“Sorry, already wiped the security tapes. Hopefully the guilt of making you guys kill those few people will put them in a miserable enough state to not pull the same shit next time.”

Geoff sighed. Not quite as clean as he was hoping, but...

“Overall? I'd say we did pretty damn good for our first solo heist.”

He grinned at Jack, who grinned right back.

Geoff was the first one to start laughing, still high on adrenaline and the slightest of leftover panic, grin so wide his cheeks started to hurt. It was apparently a contagious fit, because a few seconds later Jack was laughing with him, and they were still laughing ten minutes later when the pulled into the junk lot.

As they pulled into the warehouse currently acting as the rendezvous, Griffon O'Connell hopped up from where she was sitting on the floor against the wall, a closed laptop on the ground beside her and a sniper rifle leaning against the wall. She grinned and moved to meet them as they parked, leaning against the back door behind Geoff as they climbed out.

“So, how much did ya get?”

“There's a bag each,” Jack said, as Geoff pulled them all out. “We're gonna need to count the money to make sure each bag is equal but--”

“Jack, there's only three of us,” Geoff cut in.

Jack glanced back at him. “Yes Geoff, thank you. I can count.”

“Obviously not, that's not a bag each!”

Jack spun. “What are you talking about, three of us and three--”

He cut off, blinking at Geoff blankly. Geoff, who had four identical bags at his feet.

“...The fuck?”

Geoff stared down at his feet in confusion. “Four bags. Why would you only have three anyway? Two for me and two for you.”

“You were already carrying a backpack!” Jack insisted. "Two bags!"

“Hey, guys?” Griffon tried to butt in.

“ _In what world is a nearly empty backpack equal to a bag that can potentially hold several million dollars?!”_

“I was trying to be considerate, you asshole!”

“Seriously--” Griffon tried again.

“WE JUST ROBBED A FUCKING BANK! THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO BE CONSIDERATE!”

“HEY, _ASSHOLES_!” Griffon roared.

Both men froze, turning slowly towards her looking rather abashed. She was glaring at them, thoroughly unimpressed.

“Your extra bag is moving.”

Immediately they looked down. And sure enough, one of the bags was wiggling, weird little muffled noises coming from inside. They both jumped back, Geoff yelping.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ALIVE.”

“What the hell kind of demon bag did you fucking grab?” Jack hissed at Geoff.

“I got the bag I thought you fucking threw at me!” he snapped, edging away.

Griffon rolled her eyes, moving forward.

“Oh for fuck's sake--”

She grabbed the bag, pulling it towards her and yanking the zipper down roughly. She froze then, expression falling into one of pure shock.

“...Uh. Guys?”

Jack and Geoff glanced at each other, before moving behind her to look over her shoulder.

Curled in the bag, looking up at the three of them with tear-filled green eyes, was a kid. A fucking toddler, with messy blond hair and duct-tape over his mouth and around his wrists. A muffled whimper escaped from behind the tape as the tears spilled over and down his chubby cheeks.

“...What the fuck,” Geoff said.

Griffon and Jack both smacked the back of his head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I got something up an posted! Hopefully now I can get the other one out.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Comments and kudos are appreciated!! :D


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